My teenage son gets fired up sometimes. Not always because of teenage moodiness or power struggles, but because he’s gradually become more aware of the injustices of a world not very welcoming to him. Recently he mentioned how he hated being patronized by adults and other people around his age due to his disabilities. This is important because the patronization he was referring to is unconscious and well-intentioned, and making well-intentioned people aware of their missteps has a high potential for positive change.
Where do we draw the line between being supportive, accommodating, and helpful, and being patronizing and presuming incompetence? I’ve found that presuming competence, offering choices, and including my son in as many decisions that affect his life as early as possible have always been good guidelines for us. My son had more to say about this, especially as it relates to socialization and making friends. His thoughts are below.
Autism is called a “spectrum” for a reason. It affects people in different ways. Around 1% of people globally are Autistic, according to the CDC. That’s approximately the population of Germany. That’s a lot of people. Not all Autistic people are the stereotypical “low-functioning” type. And that phrase, “low-functioning” perpetuates stereotypes and can be misleading and not very descriptive, which is why people should avoid using that term. Some of my friends have been visibly surprised that I’m Autistic when they find out.
I’m Mikan Gensic. I’m 17, and I’m a junior in high school. In under six months, I’m going to start applying to multiple colleges. I cooked on the SAT (1410), and I play basketball and run track. I’m part of my high school’s Student Athletic Leadership Council. I’m in three AP classes. I’m also Autistic, and I’m going to share some aspects of my social life.
Now, of course, I’ve never not been Autistic, so I don’t know how things are from the perspective of someone who’s neurotypical, but I’d say my Autism doesn’t impact me negatively too much. I use verbal speech and not an AAC device (although I did have a speech delay when I was a toddler).
I did learn to read when I was two, though.
I have friends. Lots of them. There are people I have beef with, but there aren’t as many of those compared to who I’m friends with. I don’t feel like I have many close friends, however, if at all. I don’t get invited to hang out with people, ever. I find out stuff of that nature from being around friends of mine who talk about it. I’m part of lots of friend groups, but if I stopped actively being a member of those friend groups, not many people would notice. I feel like I don’t need to be there, but I can be there without negatively impacting the vibe.
I want people to notice that I’m gone and be like “where’s Mikan?” instead of just not giving a crap. Now if that happens, I don’t know. I don’t know what people say about me while I’m not around. I think no one really talks about me when I’m not in their presence in terms of friends and all that.
Please come up and start conversations with me. This goes for both guys and girls. I want to be shown that people want to talk to me, so I can be sure that I have people who enjoy my company.
When people do talk to me or include me, sometimes it feels patronizing.
I HATE BEING PATRONIZED. I will say that again. I HATE BEING PATRONIZED.
Don’t baby me. Now that I essentially explained what patronization is, please don’t do it. I’m not saying you’re purposely doing it if you do it. You’re probably doing it without realizing. Maybe you don’t have someone on the Autism spectrum you live with. Maybe you don’t have a lot of Autistic friends. You may not have experience interacting with people on the spectrum. I get that, and I understand why you’d go around patronizing Autistic people.
Patronization can come in many forms, and here are some examples I’ve heard. These aren’t all ones directed towards me, but they’re things I don’t like to be told.
“You did good!” when I very clearly did terrible, even for my standards. More specifically when it comes to athletic performance. If I perform better than I usually do or I’m satisfied with how I did, then you saying “you did good” is justified.
“Everyone’s at the game/meet to see you!” when everyone’s there to see everyone competing, not just one person.
“You’re smart because you’re in [insert class]!” No, I’m not smart because I’m in a high-level class. The way I see it, you can praise me for being smart and all that if I’m doing good in said class.
Here are some do’s and don’ts for people wanting to be accommodating but not patronizing:
Do’s
- Ask if I need/want help
- Ask me about my own goals/ideas (in an IEP conference, for example)
- Ask me about accommodations before an event
- Assume I can do most things well
Dont’s
- Tell me “good job” for the smallest accomplishments
- Give me jobs or roles that only allow for token participation in something (mere participation isn’t inclusion)
- Insist I use assistive devices I don’t need in certain circumstances (hearing aids, AFOs, wheelchair, etc.)
- Make a big deal about arranging accommodations in public or in large groups
- Avoid including me in an event or social gathering because it would be “more work” for you or because you’re unsure of whether or not I can participate fully
- Speak on my behalf when I am right there and am fully willing to speak for myself
If you now know you’ve been doing it without originally realizing, please don’t do it (that goes for my peers and adults). It makes us feel inferior to neurotypical people. We’re all people. Treat everyone as people. You’re a person too. We were all made in the image and likeness of God. Now I get that some people may need the extra encouragement and all that, but I don’t. It feels dehumanizing to me and so many others.
I’m trying to keep this focused on Autism and how that affects my social life, but some of this also applies to my cerebral palsy affecting my legs, which I could go on a whole other rant on. I have friends, but not very close ones. I want you to talk to me, but I don’t want you to patronize me. I think I’ll be able to develop better friendships with people who respect my differences without patronizing me.